Goneril and Regan’s Guide to Caring for Aging Parents

As parents age they look forward to their care-free days of retirement and being taken care of by those who they helped raise. Here is our alternative take on that tradition.

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  1. Lie to them and shower them with praise. This will only be temporary, the praise, not the lying. Once you have won the favor of your parent(s) by showering them with false acknologements and praise, they will leave you their wealth and property and you will able to do with it as you see fit. Make sure to really lay on the admiration thick, because the more siblings you have, the harder it will be to win a larger piece of that pie.

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  1. Send them off on their own. Once you’ve secured their fotune, it’s time to let those frail old birds leave your nest, which you barely allowed them to move into in the first place. This is where having extra siblings DOES help, and you can pass the burden over to the rest of them.

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  1. Turn their other children against them. There is power in numbers, and depending on how powerful your parents are will determin how many sibings you need on your side. Don’t worry, it won’t take all of you, just a few. If you get lucky and have a sister who tries to be sincere about her feelings and ends up looking ungrateful, congratulations! They’ll never fight with you again because they know they have no place else to go!

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  1. Weaken them, physically and emotionally. This is the most fun part! Taking away the things that they have worked hard for to enjoy yourself is a sure sign that you are only out for Number Uno. Have they got friends trying to turn you against them? Blind them! Too many people around to protect them? Have guards fired.

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  1. Make them watch their kids die. As a bout of phychological warfare, lock them up with a long lost relative who they regrettable disowned and make them watch as that person dies. Is it a son or daughter of theirs? Even better. Only someone who has completely lacks human empathy or a shred of compassion will be able to commit to this final step, so good luck staying strong!

 

While we might think that all the above steps are great when it comes to dealing with aging parents, but we want to share a slight warning.

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If you are a terrible person and do terrible things, history has taught us that we all have a way of getting whats coming to us. Just remember that money can’t buy you happiness. So after you finish destroying your parent and stealing all their wealth, don’t expect to get too much joy out of it. Most likely you’ll go mad before long and meet your own untimely demise. Perhaps even by the hand of one of your co-conspirators. (Insert surprise face here)

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