There you are, minding your own business walking through the park or under a tree and “BLOOP”, you feel a slight tap on the top of your head as if being touched by some higher power. When you reach up to meet that comforting touch, you quickly discover that this was not some divine interaction, but quit the opposite. Your touch is met with a slimy, and somewhat gritty substance that seems to have already woven itself into the fibers of your hair. What do you do? Here are five ways to recover and move forward after the “incident”.
#1 – SHAVE YOUR HEAD
This may seem like the most extreme reaction, but if you’ve ever been in the path of “falling good luck”, you know that it’s a texture and feeling that you can’t soon wipe from your memory. Like an Etch A Sketch*, sometimes it’s better just to wipe the slate clean and start over. Make sure to cur your hair short, before taking a razor to the whole “canvas”.
*Etch A Sketch is a mechanical drawing toy that uses two knobs to create solid lines and ultimately terrible images.
#2 – CLEAN YOUR CLOTHING
Don’t be fooled. What starts as a simple grainy liquid will quickly turn into a thick paste as it dries, but once it does, it will be much easier to clean. Attempting to remove wet bird poop will likely result in a bigger mess. Scrape off all the excess bird droppings living beneath the underlying spot. Then summon all your best chemistry skills and mix a solution of two cups cool water and one tablespoon of dish soap. Using a clean cloth (not that any cloth could be dirtier than what you are trying to remove), blot the area until the liquid is absorbed. Follow up by a rinse with white vinegar and blot with a second clean, and not bird dropping stained cloth.
Extra Tip: If you can use a microfiber cloth for the dabbing process, you won’t have to stress about leaving lint behind.
#3 – WASH YOUR MANE
This shouldn’t come as a shock, but if you get bird poop in your hair the best thing to do is wash your hair as soon as possible. I know, I know, groundbreaking. What happens though if you can’t jump in the shower right away? As with your clothing, that pesky liquid will quickly turn into a thick paste and then harden. If you’ve found yourself with crunchy hair, first soak your hair in warm water to loosen up those clumps. After you’ve softened up the “contents” start by shampooing your hair and make sure to build up a good lather. Let the shampoo sit in your hair for a few minutes and then take a fine tooth comb and carefully run it through your hair a few times. If I were you, I’d do that once or twice or until you don’t feel disgusting anymore.
#4 – BUY A LOTTERY TICKET
It’s a long standing superstition that getting pooped on by a bird is good luck. This may just be something that people wanted to tell themselves after a horrific, wrong place at the wrong time incident, but the legend has long stood the test of time. What better way to turn a frown upside down than winning a million dollars? Now, it’s not guaranteed you are going to hit the jackpot, but with odds at one to 175 million, a person could use all the help they can get. I can only guess there are studies that are diligently trying to link lottery winnings to bird droppings, but I am left to believe the science is still out. So why not try to look at the bright side of things? Hellen Keller had a quote “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow”. Just don’t think too much about what could have happened if you had been looking up when the feces began to rain from the sky.
#5 – RUB IT IN
The is a very small group of aestheticians out there that believe bird poop may actually be beneficial to your skin. Known for paying and doing almost anything seemingly stupid creative to look younger, the New York Times published an article reviewing the Shikuza Day Spa which incorporated droppings into high priced facials. To explain the reasoning for this I’ll share a quick (and I mean quick) history lesson. Centuries ago, Japanese entertainers were damaging their skin with high lead levels in their white makeup. They began using nightingale droppings because the enzymes were thought to break down the dead skin. If that wasn’t enough, poop contains guanine, which supposedly shines the skin as well. One catch: the droppings are first sanitized under ultraviolet light and then mixed with Rice Bran to help exfoliate and brighten. I’d probably prefer to shave my hair before this option, but to each their own!